I just couldn't
by LadyTrish
Summary: Ziva finds out that she is pregnant and doesn't know what to do. Summary is kind of crap, but the story is good: Rated T for safety.


**Ok this is more TIVA fluff, and some angst. Yes I admit I was bored out of my mind today at the office (summer part time jobs are not as fun as they say they are) so I decided to be productive. I'm still working on the next chapter for my other story. Hope you like this one. Read and review please.**

**xoxo LT**

* * *

**I just couldn't**

The rest room was in complete silence, the only noise she could perceive was her heart beat. It was racing, while she was glaring at the white plastic object that had sealed her fate. Everything she had worked for, all the efforts to fit in the team, and then have the partner she always wanted, was lying in peaces in her hands.

She and Tony had broken rule number 12 for the past four months, and now she was looking at the result. Yet she couldn't believe it, she was not ready and fit to be a mother. She, Ziva David, was an assassin, impatient, you had to drag the emotions out of her, and now she was expected to bring a new life in to this world. Ziva felt the hot tears flooding her cheeks, and rage clouded her judgment. _"This is his fault. If he would have worn that stupid condom nothing like this would have happened"_ she thought, but quickly overruled this reflection. She was as much to blame as Tony; she could have gone on the pill. Ziva remembered how much Tony hated condoms. It made her laugh that night, when she had asked him to put one on, and he had joked around and reenacted the struggle to put on a condom. It ripped in the end, but she was laughing so hard that she actually didn't care that he didn't put it on. They had made passionate love that night, and he admitted for the first time, that he hated wearing condoms, but he always used one; Ziva was the first woman he did not use one. He wanted to feel her, and make her feel him.

She was smiling when she thought about that night, but a quick glimpse at the pregnancy test, and the dried up tears sprinted up again.

In this state Abby had found her, and the forensic Goth almost suffered a heart attack, when she saw the Mossad assassin sitting on the floor, holding something in her hands and crying her soul out.

"Ziva!" she carefully spoke, while lowering herself to the ground.

The Israeli did not look up at the mention of her name; she just continued to stare at her hands.

"Earth to Ziva! Come in!" Abby tried again, but just like the first time, no response from her friend. Abby turned then her attention to the object Ziva held in her hands. The Goth removed one of Ziva's hands from the test, and then took it from her. Ziva let go of the object, still crying. Abby glared at the test and saw the two blue lines, then quickly covered her mouth.

"Ziva you're pregnant!" Abby exhaled, looking at her friend happily.

But Ziva still didn't move; she just looked lost into the nothing, tears still flowing down her face, like the world had stopped for her the moment the second blue line appeared.

Abby lifted herself from the floor, and then took Ziva's hand in hers.

"C'mon let's go to my lab. It's more comfortable then rest room floor." She said softly.

For the first time since Abby had entered the room, Ziva looked at her. She smiled weakly, whipping her eyes, and then slowly stood up. Everything seemed to be a dream, and when she entered Abby's lab, she couldn't understand how she had ended up there.

Ziva saw Abby quickly moving through the lab, but couldn't really understand what was going on. Minutes later Abby came back, pushing a large armchair, grabbing Bert on the way and putting him on the armchair.

"There we go. The future NCIS mama has to sit comfortable." She squeaked.

The moment she spoke those words she regretted them, because it only brought tears to Ziva's eyes again.

"Oh my God Ziva. I'm so sorry." She apologized quickly.

Ziva set down in the large armchair, and Abby pulled a chair close to her, grabbing Ziva's hand, and to her surprise, the agent didn't push her away.

"Ziva you're having a baby. Why aren't you happy?" she shyly asked.

Ziva looked up to her and spoke between tears "This will ruin everything Abby. Everything I ever worked for, at NCIS, everything Tony and I have."

New tears poured, and for the first time in her life Abby did not know how to stop them.

"Please don't kill me, but I need to ask." She said, pausing to wait for Ziva's reaction.

Ziva tilted her head and waited for her question.

"Is it Tony's baby, or did you…?"

"Of course it's Tony's baby. That's the problem here. It's his child." She snapped, but regretted it quickly, once she saw that her tone offended Abby a bit.

"I'm sorry Abby. I didn't mean to offend you." Ziva apologized.

"That's ok. But still I don't really get what the problem is Ziva. I'm sure Tony would be thrilled to find out that he is going to be a dad." She trailed away.

"No Abby, he wouldn't be happy. One time I joked around about family and kids and he freaked. He told me that kids only make life complicated and he doesn't know if he would ever consider having children. I'm sure that the moment he finds out that I'm pregnant, our relationship would crumble and working together would be hell." The assassin spoke, trying to swallow the tears building up.

"But Ziva this is you we are talking about. Tony adores the ground you are stepping on. I have never seen him so in love. I'm sure that he would be happy, and accept the fact that having a family is not such a bad thing, and especially if you are the mother of his child" The forensic expert tried to convince.

"I doubt it Abby." She began, while letting out a sob…"There is only one way to get out of this mess."

Abby knew what Ziva meant, but deep down she hoped that Ziva would never do that.

"Please tell me you are not going to do, what I think you will do." The Goth pleaded.

"I'm going to have an abortion, Abby. This is the only way; the only way to protect my job, and my relationship with Tony. Nobody except you will know about this, and it's better this way" Ziva replied coldly, shedding no tear, although Abby could see that it costed Ziva all her willpower not to cry.

"But Ziva, think about it. I mean that's a really life growing inside of you. You just can't kill it off." Abby spoke.

"I'm sorry Abby, but this is the only way. I have to get back to the bullpen. Gibbs would have my head if I don't show up real soon." She said softly and her facial expression said more then thousand words.

Abby had never seen Ziva this unhappy in her whole life.

"Promise me Abby that you will not say a word to anybody about this. It's just between you and me." Ziva told the forensic Goth as she stepped inside the elevator.

Abby's conscience told her to run up to Tony and tell him, so he can stop Ziva from doing a mistake, but the other part of her, told her that it would be better to leave Ziva do what she wanted to do and not get killed brutally by the Mossad assassin.

"Ok Ziva, my lips are sealed, but promise me you will tell me when you are going to go through with this."

Ziva nodded and the elevator doors closed, letting Abby drop in to the empty armchair and squeezed Bert loudly.

* * *

The days went by quickly, as the team was confronted with cold cases. It seemed that all criminals were taking a vacation and the team was bored out of there senses. Ziva grew distant and Tony couldn't help but notice that something was up with her. She didn't smile so often, and most of the time it seemed that her mind was miles away. He tried everything to cheer her up, or make her stop pushing him away and open up to him, but nothing worked. She had the same line over and over again _"I'm fine Tony!"_

One time, he caught her crying during the night, but the moment he tried to open up the subject she closed up again, and he couldn't do anything about it. Tony was beginning to think that they were on the verge of breaking up.

Ziva's mind was occupied by the little life growing inside of her. She had been postponing the moment she had to go through with the abortion. Sometimes she wanted it out of her system, but most of the time she felt love towards the little bundle. Sleepless nights were spent on her couch and next to Tony in bed, trying to figure out what she could do. She was afraid that if she wouldn't do it soon, she could risk loosing Tony. He was a kidder, but not stupid, and at one point he would start to suspect something. Ziva knew that he would grow tiered of her moody way and give up, so almost two months after she had found out she was pregnant, and she decided to go through with the procedure.

* * *

She stood in front of Gibbs's desk and looked at him doing paperwork. She had to admit, that when he was not yelling or barking orders around, Gibbs looked handsome. Now his face was peaceful, but she noticed that he knew she wanted something. He finally lifted his face and looked her in the eyes. This man, made even her shiver, and she had the impression that he could read into her soul and most of the time she hated it. Since Ziva had been with NCIS, it became more and more difficult to put on her mask, and detach herself from her emotions.

"You wanted something office David." He spoke slowly.

"I need to leave the office at 14:30." She answered.

"Why is that?"

"I have a doctor's appointment." She answered quickly and tried to avoid the look he was giving her.

"Ok." He answered and went back to his paperwork.

She didn't move, so Gibbs lifted his face from his paperwork once more. Again he looked annoyed, but he saw something in Ziva's face that made him soften up.

"Something else Ziva?" he asked fatherly.

"No Gibbs. Just…ahm, thank you." she spoke and quickly returned to her desk.

The whole scene was watched by Tony and McGee, who exchanged a quick look.

Most of the day passed quickly and Ziva avoided Tony as much as she could. Shortly before two o'clock, Ziva e-mailed Abby telling her that she is going to have the abortion at three o'clock today. A few minutes later Abby came rushing in to the bullpen and kneeled next to Ziva.

"Ziva are you really going to do this?" she whispered.

Ziva shot Tony a quickly glare and saw that he was more and more intrigued by the scene.

"Yes Abby, today this ends. I can't live like this anymore. It's killing me that I have to hide something from Tony and at the same time I am tiered of living in this state of uncertainty all the time. I might as do it now, as I still have the strength to pull this through." She said, swallowing hard.

"Ziva, it's not too late. You can still tell him and yeah, have the baby." Abby tried.

"No! I have made up my mind. I need to go now." She said.

Both women stood up quickly and Abby hugged Ziva, and then rushed out of the bullpen.

"Care to explain what just went on Zee-vha." Tony asked suspiciously.

She came over and kissed him then hugged him. Before they parted she softly whispered: "I love you."

He could feel that his left cheek was wet, and he could smell the salt. That instantly led him to think that something was seriously wrong with Ziva. That woman never cried and suddenly she acts all mysterious and then runs off crying. He wanted to run after her, but the elevator doors closed and he was trying to put his thoughts in order. He needed to know why she had been so distant, why she talked to Gibbs, and why did Abby act so strangely. Gibbs walked in to the bullpen, and Tony made his way to his desk.

"Want something DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, while taking another sip from his coffee.

"Boss, just wanted to know where Ziva is." He said innocently, trying not to sound too curious and desperate, and hoping that Gibbs wouldn't notice that he was worried.

"DiNozzo, you two are breaking rule number 12 for some time now. I think you should know where she is." The answer came.

Tony's jaw dropped to the floor. He couldn't believe it, his boss knew about him and Ziva, and he thought that they had managed to keep it out of the office.

"Boss, you knew? But how? How long?" Tony asked still in shock.

"Ya think I wouldn't notice the way you looked at each other? I knew the moment you two walked in the bullpen four months ago, glowing like Christmas lights." Gibbs smirked.

Gibbs passed Tony by, and on his way to MTAC smacked as usually the back of Tony's head.

"What was that for boss?" he asked

"Just a warning of what will come if you hurt her." The replay came.

Tony grinned, but he rapidly snapped out of this state and made his way down to Abby.

* * *

The full power of the music, hit him once the elevator door opened. Abby had not noticed that he was around, and by what he could tell, she was nervous, like a woman hiding something. Slowly he walked over to her CD player and pushed the pause button. She swiftly turned her head towards him, and Tony could see the shock in her face.

"T..Tony! What are you doing here?" she asked timidly.

Abby could see that his face was serious, and that something was bothering him.

"Abby why was Ziva crying?" he asked.

"Ah…Ziva…ah…crying? I don't know." she lied, and tried to conceal her face.

"Abs please don't lie to me. What's up with Ziva?"

"Tony how should I know?" she asked, still not looking him in the face.

"Because you her best friend, and the only one until today that knew about me and Ziva." He softly spoke…"Now please tell me what's wrong with her."

"Ahm, she will kill me for this." She began looking sheepishly at Tony…"How should I put this."

"Abby be direct. I think that's the best approach." He suggested.

"Ziva's pregnant." She rapidly verbalized.

It took Tony a minute to process the information. It made him happy but at the same time it scared the living crap out of him.

"What?" he finally said.

"Ziva's pregnant Tony. But there's more." She said embraced

"More?" he asked suspicious.

"She thought you will break up with her if you find out, and she's on her way to the hospital to have an abortion." She said, looking at her shoes. She couldn't bear to look Tony in the eyes, because somehow she felt like it was her fault.

Tony brushed his lips with his hand nervously, while trying to process the information looking away, then turned to face Abby again. She could see that he was angry and surprised.

"She's aborting my baby! How can she do this? How can she not tell me about something so important? And how the hell did this thought, that I will break up with her land in her head?" he yelled out.

Abby closed her eyes, every time Tony shouted a question, but at one point she got her whole courage and faced him.

"She told me that one time she spoke to you about children and you freaked, telling her you consider never having children. I think this says it all, agent DiNozzo." She replayed annoyed.

His face revealed shock once more.

"Jeez Abs. I was joking. I never thought she would take it serious. Nothing in this world would make me happier then have a family with Ziva." He uttered tiered.

"Then why don't you tell her this Tony. She's at Wilde Roses Clinic."

"Thank you Abby." He said, kissing her lightly on the cheek.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Tony stormed into the clinic, only to find an elderly nurse looking at him quizzical.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I'm looking for Ziva David. She is supposed to have an abortion today." He swiftly spoke.

"The doctor is late today, so she is probably still in the waiting room. It's down the corridor and then to the right." She explained.

"Thank you." flashing a weak smile.

He hurried down the hall, and when he entered the room he saw Ziva holding her head between her hands and it seemed that she was crying.

"Ziva!" he said and saw how her head shoot up.

He could see that she was crying, but at the same time he could see that she was insecure.

"Tony what are you doing here?" she asked.

He sat down and looked at her.

"How could you not tell me? How can you do this?" he asked sadly.

"Tony this is better for the both of us. You are not ready to be a father, and I am far from being ready to be a mother. I am not good at this, and I am sure I could never take care of a child and give it the attention it deserves. I am build to kill Tony, not to have a family." She quietly voiced her fears.

"But I have a word to say in this as well Ziva. It's not only you in this. I contributed to the little baby growing inside of you as well, and it would make me happy to have a family with you. God damn it Ziva, I love you." he told her angrily.

"I love you too Tony, but I made my decision. This baby deserves to have only the best, and I a not able to give it that yet."

"So this is your decision? This is it? You just walk out on this without having any regrets? Without taking my feeling into consideration" he asked not looking at her.

Before she could answer the door of the doctor's office opened and an elderly nurse stepped outside.

"Ziva David, we are ready for you." the woman spoke, mispronouncing Ziva's name, but the NCIS agent did not bother to correct her.

She stood up from her chair and walked up to the nurse, only to turn around and look at Tony. He was sitting on the hospital chair, his legs crossed, and his chin resting on his fist. His forehead had wrinkles, his mouth sever, but she couldn't see his eyes; he was not looking at her.

"Tony, go home. I can handle myself." She hushed.

"I'll wait for you." he replied still not looking at her.

She entered the examination room, and when the door closed, Tony was on the verge of crying. He really thought that he could change her mind, and maybe take her home, have a family with her. Now he didn't know how their relationship would evolve, if there would be a relationship.

Even if the perspective of being a father scared him in the beginning, he would never abandon his child, or the mother of his child. On top of everything, he was madly in love with the mother of his baby.

He picked up a magazine, only to see babies everywhere, happy mothers, and joyful fathers. Tony could not help but notice that he might never have this, although he wanted it. It scared him, but for the second time in his life something was real. Since he finally admitted that he loved Ziva, life had meaning, and at least he saw that life was more then having sex with beautiful women, and quoting everything from a movie. Life was love, life was Ziva, and life was having a family with Ziva.

Lost in his thought, he did not perceive that the door to the examination room opened and Ziva and the doctor were standing outside. He got up from the chair, and walked over to her, put a hand around her waist, on her stomach supporting her. He head read somewhere, some time ago, that women are we weak after an abortion.

"Ok Ziva, here are some vitamins for you." the doctor spoke, handing Ziva a small pink box.

"Thank you."

"And I'll expect to see you in a couple of weeks, so we can do another ultrasound and see if the twins are fine." She added and then walked back in to her office.

Tony's face was stunned, he couldn't believe it. She hadn't gone through with the procedure; she was still pregnant with his children.

"Twins?" was the only thing he could articulate.

"I just couldn't do it Tony. I know you are disappointed with me, because I wanted to abort the baby, and I understand if you don't want to have anything to do with me or the children. I can take care of them by myself." She softly spoke, not looking him in the eyes.

"Have you heard a single word I told you an hour ago Ziva David? I love you and of course I want to be involved in the twin's lives. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, grow old with you and see our children grow up." He hissed, while lifting her chin, so their eyes could meet.

He kissed her lips, confirming his feelings once more.


End file.
